


Why Can't I Just Die

by AnnAisu



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Betrayal, F/M, Friendship, Thoughts of Suicide, Worthless
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-10-17
Updated: 2012-10-17
Packaged: 2017-11-16 12:41:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/539539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnAisu/pseuds/AnnAisu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony Stark wants to die.<br/>He won't, because Obie's counting on him.<br/>He won't, because he promised Yinsen.<br/>He won't, because the world needs Iron Man.<br/>He won't, because he has Pepper.<br/>And then...it doesn't matter.<br/>Obie betrays him.<br/>Yinsen is dead and his promise is killing him slowly.<br/>The world has the Avengers now.<br/>Pepper left him behind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why Can't I Just Die

At first it seemed like a godsend. Then, he realized it wasn’t. He still couldn’t die.

He was being held captive, tortured as an effort to convince him to create weapons of mass destruction for use against the ‘’good guys.’ He had almost died, and was now only alive by the grace of a cold, metal implant and a car battery. his life was never going to get any worse than this; he finally had an excuse to finally die.

If he died, they would never get their weapons, he would finally get his wish and no one would blame him for dying _because he was a prisoner and prisoners don’t get to decide whether they live or die_ and if tony managed to trick his captor’s into killing him _even if it was painful and messy it would be so much easier and effortless compared to living._

But he couldn’t. If he died, then the Ten Rings would think they’d won. Which, no. Tony hates letting other win; he’s just ornery like that. Then there’s Yinsen, a better person than Tony had ever met. Tony couldn’t leave him alone at their mercy, he couldn’t let Yinsen suffer for his selfish desires.

So, he thinks and plans and builds and develops a way for them both to get out alive. He wants to make it more for Yinsen’s protection than his, but he can tell that the good doctor wouldn’t agree. He tried anyways, but Yinsen just gave him a smile and fed him a bullshit line about Tony being more important. Tony didn’t scream at him that he was wrong, wrong, _wrong_ , because Yinsen was the definition of a good person. Not Captain America perfect because honestly? There’s such a thing as too good but Yinsen is perfect because he’s just almost perfect and amazing and just _good_ in a way Tony’s not and has never seen before.

Then they escape; or rather, Tony escapes and Yinsen fucks everything up by _dying._ Why the hell did the idiotic, moronic, good, perfect Yinsen go and sacrifice himself? What the hell was with this always being the plan? This was _never_ the plan. The plan was to get Yinsen, out, safe, and maybe learn to actually live with Yinsen at his side because _fuck_ if Yinsen didn’t make everything okay when it shold have been the worst part of Tony’s life. It shold be Tony lying on the ground, bleeding out while Yinsen _who is good and amazing and a wonderful person and deserving and so fucking stupid_ should be striding out, untouched, heading back to his family and being alright and happy and Tony would have repaid the greatest debt he ever owed and got his greatest wish all at once.

But he doesn’t. Yinsen just smiles up at him, telling him not to waste this gift. And fuck it all if Tony didn’t almost break right there. This is the crueslest thing Yinsen ever did to him because now he just has more reasons to want to die _to escape to run away to finally stop caring to go to sleep and never wake up to never have to deal with anybody again_ and now he has to stay alive, keep living for Yinsen’s sake when Yinsen should be alive and well and happy and healthy and not killed by Tony.

He is, though, so Tony escapes after burning the entire camp to ash, blowing it off the face of the Earth and sowing the land with salt so deeply he’ll be surprised if anything ever lives here again within centuries from now. Tony is flying away, trying to escape his tormentors and the only person who he considered worthy of dying for _because he wants to die but he doesn’t want to just die for anybody like Hammer or the reporters; he’d rather die for someone worthy like his pseudo-father Obie and Pepper and Happy and **Yinsen** _ is dead and it’s his fault for not dying, for forcing someone amazing and good to die in his place again.

So he flies away and escapes and for a moment, one glorious moment of freedom and beauty he forgets what just happened and wants to live because he’s free and he’s flying and there’s nothing to stop-

And he falls. He crashes into the ground, a fiery comet trailing smoke and pain and misfortune and death _because he sells death like an ice-cream truck sells ice-cream, luring everyone happy and good close before selling them his prized product, the one that ruins everything and everybody he touches._ He’s trapped, burning alive and buried alive and this is the perfect tomb and he knows if he just waits a little while, _just a very little while_ _and it will be so easy and won’t take any effort at all and it will be the perfect answer to all of his dreams,_ he will die. He almost does because this is the perfect chance and he escaped so that’s a big fuck-you! to the Ten Rings and he could die knowing he totally beat them and the people that see his face on their twitter feeds would know he died in the most fucking awesome piece of machine ever and Pepper can’t blame him because he tried and it wasn’t his fault he wasn’t strong enough to keep going, was it? But he forces himself out, shedding metal like some mutant snake-man hybrid because he made a fucking promise to Yinsen that he would live.

Fucking Yinsen.

So he sets off across the dunes, and he’s honest-to-God _that he doesn’t believe in_ looking for a rescue, a way to stay alive and honor Yinsen’s _last fucking_ request. He struggles on through the heat and dehydration and every second he could just sink to down and rest his heavy _oh god so heavy, he can barely lift them, barely keep them moving_ limbs but he keeps moving even though he hates doing so _hates his life, hates being alive, hates being out here in the sand and alive when Yinsen is dead and should be happy with his family or happy with him at Stark Indistries teaching Tony how to live again_ because he promised Yinsen he wouldn’t waste it, this last gift Yinsen gave him _and Yinsen gave him far too much, a life, a new heart, help, comfort, stability, advice, trust, life when it should be death, too much too painful why did you_ even though it is a painful gift, possibly the worst gift he has ever gotten but he will treasure it more than anything else he received in life because it was Yinsen’s dying gift and he just couldn’t refuse it, had to honor it and him.

So he is happy, almost collapses with relief when he spots the helicopter and Rhodey _oh god Rhodey why didn’t I ever think of him he could have been killed to and I never would have noticed and he_ is there, rushing out and holding Tony up and making bad jokes and if Tony wasn’t so tired and if there weren’t so many others around, he would have broken down on Rhodey right there _._ He almost does it on the helicopter ride back, but it’s a blur and he can’t tell what’s going on around him and he’s dozing and following Rhodeys gentle directions and he’s on his plane and he’s sleeping and when he wakes up he’s back in America.

The first thing he sees is Pepper and her face is blotchy and has she been crying? _For him?_ For a moment Tony’s confused because Pepper is good _and organized and kind and gently strict and could sometimes force him to do what he doesn’t want to do but needs to do_ and why would she honestly care about him _when he makes everything harder, when not even the fortune he wants to pay her but can’t isn’t enough to compensate for being him and all the stress he causes her and all those little dates he never remembers and how he’s going to destroy her, kill her because he loves here just a little_ so he makes it a joke. She responds just as he hoped she would, with another joke so he can ignore the tears and keep moving on and get everything organized.

He wants a sandwich. He doesn’t want the hospital, _he hates the white walls and the fake smiles and the people all paid to pretend and care and the noises and the smell and he hates everything from the foundation up,_ he wants a burger because he hasn’t had one in months and it will help him forget for just a moment what happened _Yinsen dying when I should be dead instead and the lucky bastard gave me a present I despise but I will treasure above all else_. He arranges a conference because he decided the moment he saw his name on the bombs to stop all the weapons being made and killing good people _like Yinsen and the soldiers that were killed in an attempt to kill him_. So he gets to the room filled with _disgusting_ reporters and Pepper and Obie _thank God I can rely on them_ and delivers his message sitting down because he doesn’t have the strength to stand _wonders how he has the strength to talk, to live at all and still be breathing and thinking._

Everything goes to shit.  People want weapons and nobody’s listening to him and not one person is supporting him, Rhodey completely shut him out _and he thought he would have some support, but Tony isn’t paying him and is pushed aside and forgotten and that hurt_ and Pepper disagrees _and he thought she would support his decision because for once, just once he’s helping people and being good but she can tell that he is bad and going against his nature_ and he can see the silent contempt in Obie’s eyes _and he had been counting on Obie if nobody else because he trusted Obie with his life, his company, and Obie had always been there and Obie was more of a father to him than Howard, someone he loved and trusted and invested most of his frail, dying heart into_ and it’s completely tearing him apart but he promised, so he won’t waste it. He stops the weapon production _finally doing something right_ and starts building a new suit.

He pours everything he has into the new suit, throwing every waking minute into making it and developing it and thinking of Yinsen with every piece he solders and designs and adjusts because Yinsen is going to haunt him for the rest of his life with his painful promise. He won’t waste it, even though he contemplates throwing in the towel and delivering a giant fuck-you to the world like he has so many times before. He can’t, because he promised to not waste this, this precious, unwanted gift he was given at the highest price.

So he makes the suit and he hears the news and it’s Yinsen’s town under attack _oh god Yinsen_ and within moments he’s there. He saves them, gives them the leader to dispense their own brand of justice because Tony can see these are hard people who would make him pay and he can’t stay any longer because he keeps remembering Yinsen and it hurts every macro second he stays. He’s flying back and he’s attacked by good ol’ US-of-A and he barely gets Rhodey to shut them down in time with the lamest excuse anyone ever came up with but nobody got hurt _the pilot got hurt he almost died because Tony was careless again_ and nobody actually died.

When Pepper comes in and sees him he hopes she’ll change her mind and accept what he’s doing, accept that he’s trying to be good for once and not waste what he’s been blessed with: brains and money and bad luck and the ability to make everyone he touches suffer. She changes her mind, alright; she almost quits and it’s everything Tony can do to keep her in the company and by his side and her rejection hurts but that’s alright because Tony can handle the pain, has been handling it for years _why hasn’t anyone noticed yet?_

Obie locked him out. He can’t comprehend it. _“Who do you think filed the injunction, Tony?”_ Obie betrayed him. His heart _his shriveled organ that’s dying of neglect and misuse_ feels like it is being torn apart and Tony can barely make it back to his lab before breaking down. Obie betrayed him. His pseudo father, the one he trusted and relied on more than anyone else _even now 14 years after their death, even though he never showed it, never let anyone not even Obie see just how deep his reliance on Obie went_. He falls apart in his lab and JARVIS tries to help him but he’s just a robot whose primary concern is Tony’s health _because he wanted someone, anyone, even a robot_ and Tony can predict what he will say before he says it. He’s muted on everything but helping Tony with the one thing that matters to him anymore.

He’s not sure how much longer he can take this. He’s trying not to die because he promised Yinsen he wouldn’t waste this and shouldn’t he be trying to live instead of trying not to die? He’s not, he’s just living day by day and every time a suicidal thought enters his head he just works even harder on the suit until its perfect. He tries to think of the good things: the first flight in the suit, being able to rescue Yinsen’s town…but he can’t think of anything else. All of his other good and even the decent memories, each of the very few that he has, are tainted and stained.

Then comes the final blow on top of everything else: Obie tried to kill him. He thought he had felt betrayed before and supposed he should feel even more betrayed now but all he can feel is numb.

…

He is dying again, will die within the hour if he can’t save himself. He wants to just let it end, again he has the perfect excuse, but he needs to save Pepper and end Ob-Stane before he can hurt anyone else. He doesn’t know whether to cry of happiness and relief or sadness when his bot hands him the trophy of his heart _his cold metal heart that’s not even alive and Pepper was smarter than she knew because this is his heart, created with Yinsen back in the caves._

He’s fighting Ob-Stane, and he’s trying to stay alive and win but _sorry Yinsen_ it’s the last resort _the perfect shot_ and it will take him out as well. He sends a metal apology to Yinsen, closes his eyes, and feels his body jerk away without his command away from the giant light of death.

…

He’s alive, and he’s about to talk to the press, and he’s not too sure what to feel about that. Everyone is telling him about how he should shut up, sit down, and pretend he’s not Iron Man _like the Tin man, a person without a heart and rusty and falling apart_ when that’s the only good thing about him, that’s his reminder that he promised he wouldn’t waste his life.

So he stumbles a little, warring with himself and others opinions. In the end, he calls it. He made a promise to Yinsen not to waste his life, and Yinsen died for him. If he’s going to have to keep living, the least he can do is save others and make sure there isn’t another Yinsen that ends up dying.

 **“I am Iron Man,”** is his promise to keep living.


End file.
